i'm seeing things

i have never had a busier year. i've been going through one incredibly toxic week after another, but i know better than to complain.

after all, i chose to be here.

i chose to change jobs--where i earn more, but take care of so much more as well.
i chose to tie the knot--something that always brings about stress, no matter how simple you want the darned ceremony to be.
i chose to reconnect with friends--even if it means foregoing sleep on most nights, or spending so much on cab fare, and being on the brink of a bad flu attack.
i chose to reclaim my old "fun" life--even at this very stressful period of my life.
i chose to write again--even though it triggers anxiety attacks every now and then.

yet even with a hammering headache and another potentially poisonous week, i look in the mirror, and i can see that i'm happy.

yep, i'm reclaiming the old, filled-to-the-brim life i used to have. but this time, sans the unnecessary headache. and maybe less alcohol.

also, i'm enjoying this song very much:

there we were--three girls downing a bottle of red grant burge, switching topics like mad. we talked of the men in our lives, our dreams, where we were in relation to those dreams, our frustrations, our goals, sharing tips and advice to help each other achieve those goals.

and then i blurted it out, "ayaw ko nang magsulat."
it was the first time i said that out loud, i think.

they were both dumbfounded. "mahirap yata yun, djong."

and i couldn't help but agree. after all, that's the only thing i've been doing, and the only thing i know how to do. when asked why, i couldn't really give an answer. i just knew i wanted to stop writing, but my reasons are a mystery to me as well.

and i haven't been writing. i got a couple of projects with a magazine this year, and i did enjoy myself. the writing part was torture, though. but i was always glad that i still had the skill.

my other blog (the "more important" one), has been pretty dormant for most of the year, but i've tried to revive it with good results.

but here's the head-scratching part. just when i have made that declaration, a juicy offer came, and i couldn't turn it down. and then another project was just offered to me last night.

so what's up, universe? are you trying to test me?
well, i failed. because i accepted both offers. i guess i didn't not want it after all. but we'll see just how much these two projects will make me suffer.

i think i went through the entire spectrum of emotions yesterday.

started the morning with a quest to find the right printer for our invitations. we had about 5 printers shortlisted, but only one of them was open on weekends.

after searching for them for quite a while in makati cinema square (frustration), we located them, but we were told that they will not be able to print back-to-back with the machines they have  (disappointment). the graphic artist was nice enough to refer us to their other branch, which was just 5 minutes away (hope).

and yay! alfred, that branch's graphic artist, was able to print our invites out on nice paper, with good quality prints at a pretty affordable price (happiness). he just made a huge boo-boo when he asked me if that was indeed my picture on the invite (surprise bordering on sadness).

minutes later, i was crying my eyes out in the car, repeating, "i look ugly in my wedding invitation!" (self-pity and despair) in between sobs. susie couldn't deal with the sudden emotional swing (anger), but at least he was still able to drive all the way to the airport.

by the time we got on the flyover, i was calming down (meh), and when we pulled into the parking space in front of carmelino's, i had gotten over my bout of self-pity (even telling myself, "so what if you're ugly in it? it's not like you're drop-dead gorgeous or anything, hija") (contentment), and was ready to wait in line to book our tickets to cebu (excitement and fear).

we waited about 30 minutes (pretty good for cebu pacific, considering there were 10 people ahead of me in line), and got our tickets for our day trip to cebu (relief and excitement).

now, let me explain. these tickets i'm using came free from a stint i did for cebu pacific a few months back. they're due to expire in january, and they won't be valid after the wedding anymore. and since susie and i don't really have that much free time on our hands, we can't afford to be gone on entire weekends.

and since the tickets came free, we thought we'd do a crazy day trip to cebu, something we've always wanted to do, but never got around to doing because we'd always feel that paying for plane tickets for such a short trip is a waste of moolah.

so now that we have booked our tickets, i can tell you that our trip to cebu is pushing through (anticipation)! the plan is to go and take advantage of shangri-la mactan's day package: for P2,000, you gain access to the beach, and even get buffet lunch at tides. a pretty sweet deal, since all we really want to do is relax and forget about responsibility, even for just a day (contentment).

we got a return flight for 1115pm the same day, so we have about 4 hours tambay time in cebu. maybe we can take on larshan or another cebuano institution. i'm pretty excited to just be out of manila and be on the beach again!

after we got those errands out of the way, we finally arrived at susie's cousin's birthday party in alabang, where we feasted on steak, downed a lot of booze (the waiters were so attentive, we were never without an empty bottle!), and sang a few songs accompanied by gifted musicians (cheerfulness). 

i am very much aware that most of my virtual homes are now gathering cyberdust, but this one is a little special, because it's where i write the way i think, so i'd like to give it a little semblance of a life.

even though i don't really know what i'm supposed to say.

mainly because my brain feels fried with the number of things it has had to process lately.
since the great revelation of the permanent commitment, i have experienced near-zero levels of peace and quiet. while things have definitely looked up, it has still been quite a roller coaster ride.

it must be mentioned that some of the things that have occupied my brain are not particularly related to said decision for permanent commitment. perhaps just 45% of it can be said to be.

but! there are glimmers of hope:

• i have finally concocted a short yet crazy getaway for the susie and myself before the [crazy] holidays. i will not say what or where it is until we have successfully booked our free tickets.
• while january will definitely be a stressful month, we will end it with a glorious vacation in boracay. we can't wait to get piss-drunk!
  
• HONG KONG IN FEBRUARY! w00t!

===

i have lost that warm, fuzzy, holiday feeling because, like i said, my brain is focusing on other, supposedly more important things (actual level of importance debatable). but no matter. i know i'll be prime for holidaying after i get back from that short yet crazy getaway.

planning on minimizing my spending on gifts this year. friends, don't expect anything fabu from me (as if i've given fabulous gifts before). i'm going to be extra kuripot now, m'kay?

===

as for next year's europe trip, it looks like air asia has decided things for us. the flight we're taking from KL to london stansted was supposed to land at 450pm, but air asia has changed their schedules, and the flight now arrives at 730pm in stansted.

it means we can't catch a flight out to madrid until the next day. which means, to maximize our time, we will have to stick to our london itinerary. which means we have to apply for two visas next year, thereby compounding our expenses. so to make things easier for us, i decided to take out amsterdam and just stick to london-paris-spain (don't know which cities yet).

but that means i may be able to go to belfast and see the giant's causeway. oraaaayt! (side note: belfast b&bs are LOOOOVE)

===

just realized i have to call one of the printers. so, bye now!

TheEleganceofTheHedgehog

i've had quite a healthy reading appetite this year, and i'm also quite happythat i have managed to widen my scope when it comes to reading material.

i was fortunate enough to be lent the elegance of the hedgehog by muriel barbery at a time when my mind needed to wrap itself around something completely different.

the book is told in the points of view of renee and paloma, two seemingly different characters united by their sophistication. renee is a fifty-four-year-old concierge of a residential building that houses the elite, and paloma is the twelve-year-old daughter of the josses, one of the families who live in renee's building.

i can clearly see the parallelism in the two: both hiding, but both willing to go through the motions and function as they "should," so long as they have moments of being their real selves.

i fell in love with renee right from the first chapter alone, perhaps because of her determination to hide her brilliance. it was both funny and sad at the same time, how she would dumb herself down in the presence of the tenants of 7, rue de grenelle, but the moment she retreats back to her loge, she would bask in the comfort of tolstoy.

the book is just lovely--filled with lovable characters, and swimming with memorable and striking lines. it's been a while since i immersed myself in a book that i forgot to anticipate to end. it's so uncharacteristic of me to not even venture a guess, but the beautiful words just distracted me, and i eventually shed tears because i had reached the end.

i read that there will be a movie adaptation of the book. i have no idea how the filmmakers will translate the emotions unsaid, the between-the-lines, but i hope they do find a way, or the essence of the book will be lost.

i'll end this with some of my favorite lines from the book:

The gifts of fate come with a price. For those who have been favored by life's indulgence, rigorous respect in matters of beauty is a non-negotiable requirement... Society's elect, those whom fate has spared from the servitude that is the lot of the poor, must, consequently, shoulder the double burden of worshipping and respecting the splendors of language.

To the rich, therefore, falls the burden of Beauty. And if they cannot assume it, then they deserve to die.

Pity the poor in spirit who know neither the enchantment nor the beauty of language.

because i'm definitely going back. :) i don't know how, but i will.

read the desc

koryn and i had lunch yesterday, and as usual, we got a little bit nostalgic, remembering the things we used to do. then we realized we haven't been blogging anymore like we used to. we've gotten so used to the usual one-liners that is all the rage at the moment, but we miss writing about every tiny thing.

after lunch, the walk back to the office got me thinking, about how i have not had a moment to breathe and take in what's happened in 2009 so far. i wasn't able to post any of my usual "status updates" on how i'm doing with my goals, and how my year's doing in comparison to what i was expecting. the brain just cannot process everything that's been thrown at me.

it's been a long, exhausting year, to say the least. i think everyone i know has a reason to hate 2009--the deaths, the challenges, the stressful days and nights at work, the calamities. it's gotten so bad that everyone's been searching nostradamus and his 2012 prophecies. i don't even know if i believe in the end of the world, but i do believe that recent events are telling us that we need to change in a big way.

it annoys me how people really give no regard to wasting and littering. my blood boils each time someone carelessly throws a cigarette butt on the street. i feel like getting the still-flaming butt and gouging the litterer's eyes with it. i'm sure there's a less gory way to handle these things, but i think some people need a jolting wake-up call. i mean, come on, "not throwing trash" is one of the things taught to us in kindergarten. it's such a simple thing to follow, and yet people don't do it, even after the number of floods that have come. how in the world will we get people to stop polluting? i sound like one of captain planet's minions, but i really am bothered by this.

===

my spirit has been crushed, beaten, and even burned a number of times this year. so this is what they mean when you're the celestial favorite. astrologically, i read that aquarians will be the celestial favorite--we'll get a lot of our goals done, and the year will be ours, so it said. some of you might scoff at the idea of astrology, but i think it's healthy to read up on it every now and then.

i was expecting the year to go smoothly, but it did not. apparently, being the celestial favorite doesn't mean you're going to get what you want that easily. you end up getting what you want, sure, but the universe never forgets its mean sense of humor, and will want you to work hard for it. and yes, so far, that's how it's been for the whole year. my visa application came through, but not without some emotional battering. the europe trip happened, but it was not devoid of drama. i was able to get a new job, which i enjoy and love, but man, is it draining!

i'm not complaining about these things per se, but i'm just illustrating how i was ready to just wait for all the good things to fall on my lap. i had forgotten that things that come in a snap will be taken just as easily, and while i felt quite beaten a number of times, i wouldn't have had it any other way. i like being tested, i'm up to the challenge. but universe, maybe you can give me a break? :)

===

i am proud, though, that health-wise, 2009 has been pretty good to me. only had a couple of bad days, but nothing major that i had to stay in the hospital or something. it's mostly been minor fevers, and for that, i'm really thankful. last year was one of my worst years health-wise--i remember taking a lot of medicine every few weeks.

i do hope i find a good workout regimen already, though. maybe when 'sus and i start cohabiting, i can go back to swimming, but i hope the weather will be cooperative enough to give me lightning-free nights so it would be safe for me to swim at least 20-30 laps per day. swimming and pilates are the only two workouts that i really enjoy, and pilates is too expensive for me, so swimming it is. besides, i need to build my endurance, and swimming is perfect for that.

thinking of taking dance lessons, too, though, while i'm still with the folks. there's an interesting dance studio near the office, and i've been wanting to go on a wednesday night and take all 3 classes that i like, but so far, my wednesdays have been busy. gotta find the time.

===

it looks like 2009 is not leaving without a bang. we're told to brace for 4 more storms and a massive earthquake. it scares the hell out of me, but i'm hoping that something good will come out of it. something good always comes out of bad things, if we're determined enough to see what the friggin' silver lining is. :p but let's just keep the lesson, whatever happens.

i'm hoping 2010 gives us an easier time.

even though i met the idea with much resistance, i felt so relieved when i suddenly gave in to it.
no more back pains, my forehead feels so relaxed now.

and we have more time. :)

it was made so much better by my family and friends, who took the news pretty well, and didn't give us a hard time.
special thanks to my mom for talking to me that sunday--we finally settled a lot of issues.

so peeps--i'm getting hitched in january!

trying to squeeze in some art education whenever i have the chance.
a few weeks ago, i was reading on impressionism, and got intrigued by edgar degas, because he supposedly did not consider himself an impressionist, but he's categorized as.

and in a book i was reading about painting, i was struck by this:

the absinthe drinker

the emotion is so expressive, it makes me feel a little heady.

got this from dompy's blog. :D

Let’s start!

1. What time did you get up this morning? ugh. 7am, then 920am.

2. How do you like your steak? RARE. bloody and soft!

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? In My Life. o, walang hihirit.

4. What is your favorite TV show? The Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother, Heroes.

5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? Hong Kong, please. :) But not forever, just for a few years.

6. What did you have for breakfast? 2 Sugar Raised Donuts from Dunkin'.

7. What is your favorite cuisine? Pinoy, Spanish, Japanese, and Chinese.

8. What foods do you dislike? Carrots, taba, some fish.

9. Favorite place to eat? I enjoy eating in F! word in Palanca. Love their risotto!

10. Favorite dressing? I no eat salad.

11. What kind of vehicle do you drive? When I have to, I use our '97 Accord, but it's currently useless 'cause of the flood.

12. What are your favorite clothes? I love my recent ukay finds. They let me experiment with layers. I also like 60s-style dresses.

13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? The Republic of Ireland, Hangzhou, China. Batanes, and Davao again.

14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? Depends on my mood. :D

15. Where would you want to retire? Haven't though about it.

16. Favorite time of day? I used to enjoy late afternoons, but because of the rains, not anymore!

17. Where were you born? Quezon City.

18. What is your favorite sport to watch? Gymnastics. College basketball, kapag sobrang loyal ng mga tao. Minsan, tennis.

19. Who do you think will not tag you back? I don't know. I'm not tagging anyone. 

20. Person you expect to tag you back first? See #19. 

21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? 'la naman.

22. Bird watcher? No. I still don't get it.

23. Are you a morning person or a night person? In between.

24. Do you have any pets? Kittehs!

25. Any new and exciting news you’d like to share? None so far.

26. What did you want to be when you were little? A doctor.

27. What is your best childhood memory? Riding bump cars in Makati Cinema Square.

29. Are you married? Going to be.

30. Always wear your seat belt? Yep.

31. Been in a car accident? No, thank god.

32. Any pet peeves? People who push and shove on the train, people who cut in line, people who block the doors of the train, the word "irregardless" and the people who say it, people who type in txtspeak online, using 0 instead of O. I could go on and on...

33. Favorite Pizza Toppings? Mushrooms, olives, lots and lots of mozzarella, bacon!

34. Favorite Flower? *shakes head*

35. Favorite ice cream? Still have dreams of the Violet-flavored ice cream I had in Pan de Lujo.

36. Favorite fast food restaurant? McDo for breakfast, Jollibee for merienda.

37. How many times did you fail your driver’s test? 0.

38. From whom did you get your last email? From TripIt.

39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? An airline booking site.

40. Do anything spontaneous lately? Neh, don't think I have. Now you made me miss it.

41. Like your job? Yes. :)

42. Broccoli? Lavet.

43. What was your favorite vacation? My solo Singapore trip, La Union weekend breaks, Spain!, and all HK trips.

44. Last person you went out to dinner with? 'Sus.

45. What are you listening to right now? me typing on the keyboard.

46. What is your favorite color? Green, yellow, brown.

47. How many tattoos do you have? none yet. can anybody point me to a nice Matisse-like sketch of a kitty?

48. How many are you tagging for this quiz? 0.

49. What time did you finish this quiz? probably at 12:30pm.

50. Coffee drinker? No. 'cept when there's cafe bombon.